Monday, February 16, 2015

The Bachelor Recap - Episode 6: Badlands, You Gotta Live It Everyday

OK, so it looks like I lied when I said I'd have this up by Tuesday night.  Welp, sorry...I guess.

We pick up right were we left off with Kelsey having a "panic attack."  I have to admit, this is the oddest panic attack I've ever seen.  I'm pretty sure that you aren't just immediately over a panic attack because she just sits up and starts joking and shit.  It's official, I despise her.

And she parlays this into a conversation with Chris saying that she better definitely get a rose tonight now.

I'm just going to throw this out there, but are we sure we know how her husband really died?  Like I don't really want to go here, but she totally seems like she could sneaky be a murderer right?  Too much???  Whatever, it's the fucking Bachelor.  It deserves to be taken with the least bit of seriousness possible.

I'm going to throw this out there too.  I think Carly's kind of a bitch.  All she does is complain about shit ALL OF THE TIME.  Awww, it's not fair?  Poor baby.  Fuck her too (too aggressive?).

I feel like I'm getting a little heated here and I have no idea what's going on.  Let's come back down to earth for a second.  OK, good to go.

Geez, and Ashley I. suggesting that she may be lying about her husband having died?  I mean, it's one thing for me to say that but it definitely has a different vibe coming from her doesn't it?

Up First (for once), the First Rose Ceremony of tonight.

Let's see who didn't get the rose.


I literally don't even know what you sound like.  Like, did she say a word during this entire season?


It's about damn time.  I never understood what he saw in her.  She was fine on group dates though because she got along pretty well with everyone.  Maybe that's enough reason to keep someone around for a couple weeks.

How does Ashley I. handle everything the rose ceremony? 

Am I crazy or does that hand not look like it's her own hand?
By crying of course and saying how her story isn't sad enough like some of the other girls.  That might be the first time that someone is wishing they had been hurt and struggled through more things in their life so that they could have a better chance of dating someone.  This will not be the last time we see her crying because apparently that's how she reacts to every single situation.

Kelsey ends up getting a rose because, once again, Chris is too nice of a guy.

The girls and Chris are headed off to Deadwood, South Dakota.  It looks like Al Swearengen already knows all about the girls.

Is that a step up or down from Sante Fe?  Chris seems to be going to places that are more and more like his hometown.  Maybe he can get a gage on how the girls are in these types of places but I don't think they're going to go all around Europe like they usually do for this show.  Even his dates seem to be really understated and I don't think that's an accident.

Up Next, a 1-on-1 with Becca.

I like Becca.  I think she could be this season's Catherine.  The one who flies under the radar in the beginning but really comes along as the season goes on.  They seem to have a very similar sense of humor and kind of get each others' quirks a little bit.  I don't think Chris really cares whether or not she's a virgin.  I think that's probably a couple hundred of spots down on the list of things that matter to him about this 'process.'  I love how they use that word.  It's always either a process or a journey.

Becca is the only one who he hasn't kissed yet and I have a sneaky feeling that it's going to happen by the end of this date.

They start the date with some horseback riding through the woods and meadows.

She looks super good too.  It's been a good looking week for the girls.
Chris's laugh is legit funny.  It sounds like a giddy little school girl.  I would definitely laugh any time I would hear that in person.  They have the same weird and awkward quirks that actually seem to add to some chemistry for them.

They kiss and she gets the rose.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel.  

Britt has maybe my all-time favorite look going on with a sports bra, ponytail, and rolled up sweatpants.

The girls decide to confront Kelsey about...what exactly?  I know that it seems like a good idea because they don't really like her.  But they really have no evidence to back anything up or tangible examples of anything she's done.  Of course my girl Kaitlyn just sits there looking all sexy and doesn't say anything during the inquisition.  Smart girl.  

Like I said a second ago, I love the dressed down look.  The sweats and white T look is on point.  Not even joking, I think this is the best she's looked the entire season.

They accuse Kelsey of laughing.  That's the big thing they bring up.  Way to go girls.  You got her!  Carly then says she's not very nice.  Whoa!  Look Out!

What do you think Kelsey?

"I get it.  I am blessed with eloquence.  And I am articulate and I use a lot of big words.  Because I'm smart."

Hashtag, humblebrag.

They also get the group date card, so by the process of elimination, we know that it's going to be Kelsey and Ashley I. on the 2-on-1 date.  Megan, of course, is too dumb to function, and doesn't understand how math works.

I feel like they have to explain every single thing that happens on this show to her.

Up Next, a Group Date with a bunch of chicks.

They head to downtown Deadwood and meet up with the country band Big & Rich.  Everybody probably knows them from their song, "Save A Horse (Ride A Cowboy)," but I really like their newer song "Look at You."

They're on the show to help the girls write a song that they have to preform for Chris, the other girls, and some bar patrons.  And this is what Big & Rich looks like for those of you who aren't familiar.

Basically just think if Tom Petty ad Garth Brooks formed a duo together.

Britt and Chris basically make out in front of everyone at the bar as they're hanging all over each other.  They're obviously into each other but they can probably handle it a little differently because they're making everyone else feel like shit.  It's good to hear that it was Chris asking for kisses and not Britt kissing him to show up the other girls but I don't think all of them care one way or the other who is initiating the smooches.

Chris does a song first and he's terrible (and knows it) which should put the girls a little more at ease.

The girls each perform their songs.  Here's my power rankings.

6. Whitney basically talked through hers which is fine.
5. Megan has a solid twang in her voice
4. Carly thinks she's hot shit.  She has a decent voice but there's a reason she's a cruise ship singer and not an actual singer.
3. Jade of course has to go last.  I don't know what she was worried about cause she's not too bad.  Also, I just like her better than Carly, Megan, and Whitney.
2. Kaitlyn rapping and dropping a "make 'em touch me pussy" was aggressive but funny and just her style. 
1. Britt doing her best Pretty Woman impression, actually has a pretty good voice, even if she has no idea who Big & Rich is or about country music in general.  She ends it with a "Ba Dum Bom."  I don't know what that is, but I'm stealing it.


It is a little weird that the guitar player didn't sit with each girl for like 5 minutes just so he doesn't just play something random while she sings but whatever.

Here's basically everyone's Deadwood reaction to each song.

They head back to the bar and each has some time to talk with Chris.  But, while he's talking to Britt, they sneak out the door and run down to a Big & Rich show down the street.  They head up on stage, make out a little bit, and the dance.

When they come back to the bar, every girl is upset and pissed.  I'm not sure why he didn't tell anyone they were leaving and then just left the other girls twiddling their thumbs, not knowing what was happening for over an hour.  Usually, he'll give the rose to a girl and then have an extended date with them...which is what he should've done here.  He handled it in pretty much the worst way possible.  Good job Chris.  Now every girl is crying.

Even Kaitlyn is crying which I haven't seen yet.  That's when you definitely know you handled everything wrong.

Next Up, the highly anticipated 2-on-1 date with Kelsey & Ashley I.

They get the date card that says they're going to the Badlands.  Kelsey does that thing where she passive-aggressively talks down to Ashley because she doesn't know what the Badlands is but never actually says what it is because I don't think she actually knows.  All she does is say how much she loves it...this, for some reason, is infuriating to me.

This might've been the first time where each girl thinks she has this in the bag.  I've never seen two girls more excited for a 2-on-1.  Usually at least one of them is in full freak-out mode.

Ashley gets her time first and immediately goes with her go-to move of over-aggressively making out with him and uses their time to deepen her connection with Chris and talk about their potential future as a.....oh, wait, I mean she just trashes Kelsey and only talks about her the entire time.

Kelsey's up next and talks to Chris like a 3rd grade teacher talking down to a student.  He immediately brings up that Ashley was talking shit about her being fake, cause he doesn't know what to do when he feels uncomfortable other than to babble.  Of course Kelsey says she feels hurt because she thought Ashley and her were friends......OK.

The best moment is when they are both on the bed (such a weird thing to have in the middle of nowhere) and Kelsey just stares daggers straight through Ashley's heart, waiting to drop her line....

"I Know What You Did."

And it actually works because Ashley completely falls apart and just snivels in between weeps for the next ten minutes, acting like a petulant child.

Chris finally sees that both of these girls are bat-shit crazy and sends both of them home.

The reactions of the girls at the house when each of their suitcases are taken are sliiiiightly different:

When Ashley's suitcase is taken away....disbelief with a dab of sadness.

When Kelsey's suitcase is taken away....complete and utter jubilation.

Kelsey reminds us that she doesn't know the meaning of most adjectives with her closing thoughts yet again of her story being Amazing, Tragic, and Beautiful.  At least one of those three fits.  Not bad if you're playing baseball.

No Rose Ceremony tonight, so I guess they're contractually only allowed one.