Friday, February 6, 2015

The Bachelor Recap - Episode 5: You've Arrived at Panic Station


No need for an introduction this week since there was so much that happened, so let's jump right in with these crazy bitches.

They started their traveling this week and what remote/exotic/historic location are they headed to...Santa Fe, New Mexico.

Big Boobs Megan (of course) let's us know that she's so excited because she's never been out of the country.  I feel like the only reason they are going to New Mexico is so that some of the girls will be bimbos and think they're going to Mexico.  That's as good of a reason as any I can think of.

First Up, 1-on-1 with Carly.

I'm not going to lie, I was really surprised that the date was with Carly when Britt, Ashley I., and Kelsey haven't gone on 1-on-1 dates yet.  Chris must either be really confident in his relationships with the other girls, or he must want to find out if there's anything at all there between himself and Carly.

Another date card with some not so subtle sexual innuendo.


Carly is pretty nice.  She's pretty sweet.  And she's kind of pretty.  She seems like a perfect candidate to get friend-zoned.

Random Sidenote: I always get distracted when Carly talks because she has this thing with her upper lip where it like curls down in the middle over part of her upper teeth.  Does that make any sense?  If not, now that you know about it, you're never going to not notice it.  If I'm screwed for having noticed it, everyone else should be too.

They end up going on a date to see a love guru, because apparently that's a thing that exists.  She seems more like a horny hippie to me but whatever.

At first I thought that this was going to be a massage type of thing or something where they talk about sex openly...both which are really weird first dates, but not nearly as awkward and weird as this shit was.

I can't even really describe what this date was like, so I think it might be easier to show how things escalated in the most sexually awkward manner ever.

They start of in a weird back-to-back, while also holding hands position.  It looks kind of uncomfortable to sit like that but not nearly as uncomfortable as I'm about to get watching these two.


They quickly amp things up with a blindfold.  I'm legit serious, I think Fifty Shades of Grey ruined everything in the world.  Every girl thinks they want S&M type stuff now...they don't.


Carly jumps in with an aggressive thigh rub.


Then in a weird maneuver, she goes with the smell-move.  Interesting move to mix it up I guess.  I certainly never saw that one coming.  Carly just keeping everyone guessing.


OK, now we're moving on to chocolate covered strawberries while blindfolded.  Apparently Chris forgot that you need to open your mouth in order to eat them.  He was probably still surprised from that smelling move Carly was throwing his way a second ago.


Whoa.  It looks like he got exactly none of that in his mouth.  This is making me super uncomfortable.


This is a first date right?  I've also never heard of a move where she's in downward dog (yeah, I know what that is) and he massages her hips.


And if they weren't uncomfortable with the moves they were being told to do, they could just look over at the love guru's reaction to watching it...cut it out lady, you're scaring us!


Those pics were all nice and awkward and all but how could we make it more uncomfortable for everyone?  Oh, I forgot that they still had clothes on.  Let's tell them to undress each other...on their first date.


I feel like I'm watching Cinemax after 10 PM on a school night.


I have to admit, I thought she was going to go for it here just because she probably feels pressure from being on the show with so many aggressive girls.  Of course, she was a good girl and put us out of our cringing by saying she felt uncomfortable continuing taking off his clothes.  Thank God.

Apparently not that uncomfortable though, because this is her next move, and she's completely comfortable with it.


They go to dinner and seem to be on the same wavelength as far as being able to communicate about their emotions and fears and all that other important shit.  I think he feels comfortable with her that way and they can connect on an intimate level.  So good for them.

She gets the rose.

Next Up, Group Date with a bunch of Chicks.

The date is to go white water rafting but not like actual white water rafting.  Like little kiddie white water rafting.

Jade takes a tumble overboard into the water and it actually turns out that she has a condition where her body goes into hypothermia at higher temps than it should so her feet and hands lost feeling quickly in the cold water.

Of course Mackenzie makes fun of her cause she's an 11 year old and Kelsey does too because she's a condescending bitch (don't talk about my girl Jade like that).

Before the girls and Chris have their drinks during the latter part of their date, Jordan (the drunken twerker) shows up at the hotel.

The reason she says that she's back is because she regrets having Chris ask her about herself and that she didn't take him up on that.  What the shit does that mean?  So he asked you about yourself and you just changed the subject?  And washed it down with a bottle of wine?

And she says sometimes alcohol still gets the better of her.  Seems mature enough to me.

P.S. I don't remember her being as hot as this when she was on the show. Turns out sober an coherent is a good look for her.


Because Chris is too nice (once again), he lets Jordan come and join them for drinks.  I told you once he opened the door with the one of the girls coming back after the first night that the other girls who didn't get roses would be fools not to at least try it during the season.

The other girls do not take it well.  They're visibly (and audibly) upset and take all of their time with Chris to basically talk about Jordan.  Ashley I. doesn't understand why all the girls aren't just being mean to her, because apparently she still thinks this is high school and she's a mean girl at heart and not a nice person in general concerning anything that's not completely about her.

That's her ever-so-subtle "I don't understand" face.
Whitney is the only genuinely nice and normal person who says that she would love to catch up with her...just not at this time.

Feeling the tension between all the girls, Chris decides to send Jordan home again.  

The rose ends up going to Whitney, because she reacted to the situation like a grown up (so did Jade btw, but Whitney was more vocal in the group setting).

Ashley I.'s response to Whitney getting the rose is she thought earlier in the day that, "I don't have to worry about that."  She refers to Whitney as 'that,' you know, because she's petty and selfish.  In talking with Mackenzie, she says how fake she thinks Whitney is, and for the first time throughout the show, Mackenzie has the grown-up mature answer: I've never seen anything bad about Whitney, I just think you don't like her. Spot on Mack.  I don't particularly dig you but I give credit where it's due.

Also, Ashley I. wore this dress...or at least part of a dress.



Next Up, 1-on-1 with Britt.

So Britt apparently doesn't shower...like ever.  She does wear makeup to bed so I think it kind of makes sense but if anyone can really look like that after not showering for weeks, then kudos to them, because I would look disgusting after 2 days.

Chris goes to get Britt for their date at 4:30 in the morning.  In the process, he shhh-es the other girls in the room to keep it down and then kisses Britt a couple times in the dark.  Kind of messed up when you think about it but maybe Chris hadn't had his coffee yet and wasn't thinking straight.  I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

They take a hot air balloon ride because Britt's afraid of heights.  Some advice for anyone who is planning on going on this show, if you plan on going on this show, never say what your fears are because that will immediately be made into part of your date.

After the date, they close the doors to his hotel bedroom and take a "nap."  Now, I don't think anything probably happened other than some smooching, cuddling, and conversation, but that won't stop all the girls from gossiping behind Britt's back saying the contrary.

Britt did post an Instagram about everything from the last episode that nicely encapsulated everything that was going on though...which was nice of her.
A photo posted by Britt Nilsson 🌹 (@brittkarolina) on

Britt gets a rose and is safe.  I don't feel as great about her as I did before, but I certainly don't feel like the other gals do about her either.

Next Up, Kelsey Steals Some 1-on-1 Time.

In a classic Bachelor-savvy move, Kelsey makes her way down to Chris' room to get some personal 1-on-1 time with the guy.  There are rules to the Bachelor but then there are also unwritten rules.  You should know from watching the show that people are going to bend those rules to get extra time.  It has happened literally every season of the show's existence.

The way she talks about her deceased husband is really weird and completely off-putting.  Now, I wouldn't go so far as to say she's making anything up about what happened or anything like that because I have no idea what the end game there would be.  If you didn't have a husband who passed away, that will obviously come up at some point after people watch the show.

But the way she describes things is just fucking weird.  She calls what happened to her (being widowed) as something amazing.  Her story is amazing she says.  Amazing?


Her timing with everything seems to be really calculated.  She waited 5 weeks to tell him about her husband (with the most hipster name ever in Sanderson Poe) and then right before the rose ceremony, she breaks the news to him so that he basically has to keep her another week.  She comes off very manipulative and with a 1950's haircut.


Kind of a weird time to go in for the kiss as well dontcha think?  Just a weird vibe going on there.  I don't know if she's bipolar or just has something loose going on because she hasn't had enough time to grieve.  She describes everything like she's writing a fiction novel or something.  It's the oddest fucking thing.

Next Up, The Rose Ceremony.

Chris is visibly shaken when addressing the women, probably because he was going to eliminate Kelsey but now he feels like he can't because she's in such a fragile state.  You can tell she feels up in the air about whether she's staying or going now.  When Chris steps away to take a second to collect himself, here's what happens to Kelsey (after she says that she feels so bad that one of the other girls is going to have to go home):


Kelsey decided to pull out the big guns and go all-in.  The old fake panic attack.  He's either going to definitely keep you because he feels bad or he's going to feel like you shouldn't be here because it's bad for your health and send you home.  A very tricky move but god dammit do I respect it.

No Rose Ceremony because of the surprise panic attack from Kelsey...

TO BE CONTINUED....