Friday, February 6, 2015

The Bachelor Recap - Episode 4: Camp Chris



I've really been slacking on the recaps for the past two weeks, so I'll try and do better going forward and have them by the end of the day after the episode airs...that would be Tuesday for all of you trying to count 1 day.

The one thing that's kind of sucked is that there has been snow in CT each of the last two Mondays so a bunch of the show has been getting interrupted by weathermen telling me all the reasons why I shouldn't be living in this miserably cold state.  And I just sit there and take it, in between trips outside to shovel the driveway.

First Up, Group Date with a bunch of chicks.

Chris and the 8 "lucky" gals drive down to a lake to hang out on the beach for the day.  I'm really appreciating the producers getting these girls into bikinis as many times as humanly possible.  That's my kind of show.  And as much as I can't stand Ashley I., you know, because things like personality, friendliness, and general good manners are things I like in a human being...but her body is ridiculous.

Love the unbuttoned jean shorts look.
A couple of the girls start to get a little wild, thinking they must be at Lake Havasu, since that's probably the only Lake they've ever been too, so they start shedding clothes.  I'm sure they tell themselves that it's to show how spontaneous and adventurous they are, but it's just to get naked so that Chris will remember that they like to get naked.  Fine by me whichever one of those is true.

First, Ashely I. with the topless move.

Only to be one-upped by Kaitlyn with the bottomless move.
Of course, Kelsey gets all pouty because she sucks and has the laugh of a Housewife of Orange County who also happens to be a serial killer.  I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but it makes perfect sense to me.  It's a fake laugh but it's also, somehow, kind of scary, like in a maniacal way.

She is so incredibly fake.  I have to admit, I didn't see her becoming the fake girl who acts one way around the girls and another way around Chris.  There's always one but it's usually more of a bitchy, outspoken girl, not so much a quiet conniving girl.

They end up camping overnight at the lake and Kelsey is obviously a wet blanket about it, because she despises all fun and new things.

Finally we get to the moment I've been waiting for since they showed the scenes from the upcoming season after the first episode.  Ashley I., who is apparently the only one who cares she is a virgin, sneaks into Chris' tent to tell him (sort of).  What looked like a late-night BJ in the preview, turns out to be her awkwardly telling him she's "inexperienced" rather than saying she's a virgin and then doing her usual overly-aggressive makeout.  What a bunch of bullshit.  YOU GOT ME AGAIN WITH FAKE PREVIEWS BACHELOR!!!!

In other news, Ashley S. continues to be fucking crazy.

Kaitlyn gets the rose because she actually talked to him about personal things.  Who whudda thunk it?  That's what he puts emphasis on...what a crazy concept.

Meanwhile, Back at the Mansion.

Jillian's censored butt, it's becoming a tradition.

Chris' sisters show up as a surprise and say they're going to select the girl to go on the next 1-on-1 date.  No pressure or anything.  Whoever gets selected is probably going to be in the final 3 or 4 because Chris obviously cares what his sisters think and it will carry a lot of weight with him going forward.

Britt says she thinks she is the front-runner, which is why she doesn't get it.  Granted they phrased the question like that but she should know better than to pump herself up and look cocky.

Whintey seems to be similar to the sisters but maybe too similar looking.

Jade is perfect for the girls.  Really shy and reserved (for someone who was in Playboy) but also self-sufficient which I think is something the girls were looking for.  I think some of the other girls might be a little too much and the sisters want someone they would feel comfortable around.  It probably doesn't hurt that she's in workout clothes while other people are in revealing bathing suits.

And just like that, my pick on the season gets the 1-on-1. And it's a princess date, like every little girl's dream...or something like that.  I keep feeling more and more that she would be a good pick for Chris.  I still stand by my two picks of Jade and Kaitlyn because they seem like normal people.

A team of makeup artists and stylists come to get Jade ready and to try and gowns and all that other girly shit.  For some reason, Ashley I. thinks that she should be the one going on this date...even though she was on the group date and never even talked to Chris' sisters...you know, because Chicks man.  She is literally crying because she's so upset and thinks she's the actual Princess Jasmine.  When Jade's on her date, she decides to dress up like a Princess, pound some champagne, and eat corn...maybe the worst choice for drunk food I've ever seen.  Sounds about right.

Doesn't she look so excited about Jade going on a Princess date?
The other girls on this show love punishing themselves by watching Jade get pampered.  I don't get it.  It's like they want to be made to feel like crap.  Whatever floats your boat I guess.

Also, Ashley S. looks like a...to be honest, I don't even know where to go with this joke.  She just looks utterly ridiculous.



Next Up, 1-on-1 date with Jade.

Recap, she seems sweet and looks good.

Turns out she was engaged at 21...but Chris was too.  That is probably going to bond them together a little bit.

She gets a rose.

Next Up, Group Date with a bunch of chicks.

The girls have to put on wedding dresses and do a mud obstacle course.  At least once a season there is a date that involves wedding dresses, because why not make all these insecure girls put them on and fuck with their heads.  I approve.

It's weird that I like the high socks and shows look with those dresses right?
Jillian is involved, so obviously she wins the race to get the 1-on-1.  She seems to care more about the competition than about Chris.  There's always one of these too.

Becca, smartly, knowing she's not going to even come close to winning, decides to lag back and form a little connection with Chris through the race.  Clever girl.

Next Up, 1-on-1 date with Jillian.

She decides its a good idea to talk about herself the entire time.  I like how she has no life goals or any idea what she's doing at all with her life.  Probably not a good look when he obviously is the exact opposite of that.

Chris is obviously way too nice because instead of saying how she only talks about herself, he says that sometimes it's good to listen on a date as a change of pace.  The guy is way too nice.  Good luck to him when they get to the last 5 girls.  It's not going to go well.  Especially since when he feels uncomfortable or put on the spot, he can't put thoughts or sentences together.

Here's her conversation topic for a romantic rooftop setting where you should get to know someone on a more personal level and try to establish if you have a connection.

"Would you rather have sex with a homeless girl, where you don't know what kind of diseases she has or abstain from sex for five years?"  The worst part is, after the first option, she didn't even know where she was going with that.  Is it supposed to be a joke?  I still don't understand it.

Chris shows he has some balls for the first time and gives Jillian the axe.  I would have made the same choice.

Next Up, The Cocktail Hour.

Ashley I. continues to make herself one-dimensional as the virgin.  I don't know why she's so obsessed with it.  He doesn't seem to care one way or the other but then she ends up crying that she told him at all...because that's what she does.

The best part of all is when Ashley I. tells the other girls that she's a virgin, Becca says she is too and handles it the exact way an adult person would by saying, "It's just a decision I've made.  I haven't told him yet.  It hasn't even come up."  And why would it to be perfectly honest?

Her face perfectly illustrates her feelings about Ashley blowing it way out of proportion.


In other news, Britt decides it would be a good idea to accuse Chris of giving girls roses because they were taking their clothes off and acting all slutty.  She wasn't even on the date, so she's basically bringing up second-hand stuff.  Ummm, interesting move Britt.

Which brings us to one of my personal favorite moments that happens each season.  The one where the Bachelor/Bachelorette addresses the remaining people and gets mad about them questioning if they are here for the right reasons and tells them they can leave if they don't believe that.  I find it hilarious.

Rose Ceremony.

Of course Britt has to wait for the last rose to get hers...just to make her up her game for next week.

Who's Going Home?

Ashley S. (24)















Good God girl, you crazy.

Jillian (25)













Not ready for a serious relationship yet.

Juelia (30)













Used the old, I want you to be home with your son/daughter, which is actually probably the right move this time but usually it's just a patented excuse to get rid of someone.

Nikki (26)














Nikki, we hardly knew ye.  Like, hardly, at all.  Who are you?