Monday, January 5, 2015

The Official Bachelor Preview for Tonight



Another Bachelor season is upon us and the new victim contestant, is Farmer Chris from Iowa.  Twenty-Five girls will get a chance to get as catty as possible and travel around the world with a guy who is hooking up with all of their so-called friends on the show for a 4% chance to live on a farm in rural Iowa with basically no cities around them.

Is it just me or does Chris look like a better looking version of Wes Welker?



Or am I way off?  

Running through the list of girls, it doesn't seem like our boy Chris has a specific type except that they need to have some major league yaboos.  Good enough for me.

So besides some bazongas, the girl probably shouldn't be overly career-oriented since he's going to be expecting her to move to Iowa and there's not much around there to do.  So, she should probably have a menial job that she doesn't mind quitting or something where you can do it from anywhere (preferably home).

Also, Chris is 32, so she probably can't be super young...but if she is, it would be better if she came from the same farmer's daughter sort of background (i.e. Midwestern or from the South).

Here's a quick rundown of the ladies that we be vying for screen-time celebrity fame Chris' heart. 

Alissa (24)


Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: What's your most embarrassing moment?
I was in-depth stalking a guy's Facebook page and sent my friend a long, detailed text about my findings...except I sent it to him. Oops.

First Impression: Ummm, you should never, ever, be comfortable enough to discuss stalking of any kind on one of these questionnaires.  Red Flag City.  But here is our first gal with some big chesticles.

Amanda (24)


Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: If you won the lottery, what would you do with your winnings?
I would first pay off my student loans, and then buy a house while the market is still good. The rest would go into savings.

First Impression: Girl looks like a little spinner (and a ballet teacher to boot, so you know she's flexible *wink* *wink*) and she seems to have a good head on her shoulders based on the answer above, but I also think there's a little bullshit in there.

Amber (29)


Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: Top 3 all-time favorite movies?
The Lion King, Reservoir Dogs, and A Bronx Tale.

First Impression: Nice little line-up of movies from Amber.  Spread out the genres and didn't list The Notebook, which is always a plus.  Plus, she's a bartender, so she could quit her job at the drop of hat.  She also happens to be the only black girl on this season...so she'll at least make it through the first night.

Ashley I. (26)

Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: Describe the worst first date you've ever been on.
I decided to try out being a cougar, but he was sooo immature and had me pay for everything. He was too intimidated to hold a conversation.

First Impression: Apparently Ashley has no idea what a cougar is.  You can't try out being a cougar, and you really can't try out being a cougar as a fucking 26 year old.  She also says that guys would find her football knowledge impressive, which if you have to state it like that, means that you're probably an absolute fucking headache to actually watch a game.  I have a feeling she may be a moron and I'm going to severely dislike her.

Ashley S. (24)

Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: Top 3 all-time favorite movies?
Breakfast at Tiffany's, Sex and the City, and Seven Pounds.

First Impression: Seven Pounds?  Gross.  Also, she does not look 24.  Closer to 34 than 24.  And third, it sucks to have the same name as someone on this show.  It's almost like you're back in grade school going by Ashley S.  The rose ceremonies must be brutal when they say your name but then finish it with a different letter.

Becca (25)

Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: Biggest date fear: Having stomach issues and clogging up a toilet, a la Dumb and Dumber

First Impression: I feel like I would get along really well with Becca over here.  We both can't live without Netflix.  She looks cute too.  I can see her making it pretty far.

Bo (25)

Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: If you could have lunch with three people, living or dead, who would it be?
Beyonce, Rihanna, and Mother Theresa. A feast so we could all get down. Food is bonding, and every woman loves food!

First Impression: That lunch sounds like maybe the least fun ever.  Bo (is that short for something?) is a plus-sized model, so that means she has no chance of actually winning against these girls but that she'll keep bringing up the fact that she loves food and how big is beautiful and all that shit.  I just hope that when she gets booted from the show that she doesn't make it about that...which she absolutely will, even if they have no chemistry or anything in common, which will most likely be the actual reason he doesn't give her a rose.

Britt (27)

Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: Who is your favorite author?
David Foster Wallace or Dave Eggers. Both men have (or had) such a grasp of the human experience and the English language. Great wordsmiths, highly eccentric.

First Impression: I literally had to choose that question above because she actually had really intelligent and well-thought out answers.  That's no fun.  You can't win this show if you're completely normal, so hopefully she's the one who hooks up really quickly in the relationship or something.  Also, her waist looks like it's non-existent.

Brittany (26)

Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: What is your greatest achievement to date?
Becoming a WWE Diva and learning to wrestle! So crazy but amazing at the same time.

First Impression: Va Va Voom! That's a nice shirt.  That is all.

Carly (29)

Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: Occupation: Cruise Ship Singer

First Impression: She's like the girl who was an opera singer but like 50 notches below that.  Nope.

Jade (28)













Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: Occupation: Cosmetics Developer

First Impression: More boobs.  What is a cosmetics developer?  She says she can't live without avocado, Bachelor contestants, they're just like us!

Jillian (25)













Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: Can't live without: My phone, chocolate, my bunny rabbit, Netflix, Mexican food

First Impression: A news producer in D.C.?  That doesn't seem like a good fit for an Iowan farmer, since she has an actual job in a metropolitan area.  I don't trust anyone who has a rabbit as a pet.  That's just something you should know about me.

Jordan (24)













Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be?
Britney Spears because she's awesome!


First Impression:  Terrible outfit, at least in my opinion.  I don't trust anyone who like Britney Spears either.  I mean, what are you 12...and a crazy person?

Juelia (30)













Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: What's your worst date memory?
The guy took me to dinner, then refused to eat dinner, and then told me he couldn't believe I ate my whole dinner.

First Impression: Juelia?  You can cut the shit right now with that spelling.  She also looks like a giant.

Kaitlyn (29)













Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: If you could be a fictional character, who would you be?
April O'Neil because she gets to hang out with the Ninja Turtles and she's a babe.

First Impression: Quite possibly the best answer to any question I came across, and she also happens to be cute as hell.  I like the fact that she's a dance instructor too.  That could work.  She's one of my two pre-season picks.

Kara (25)













Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: If you could be someone else for just one day, who would you be?
My future husband, so I'd know who he is, what he's like, and what goes on in his head.

First Impression: I don't think she knows it but the answer to that question is kind of a little psycho-ish.  Oh, and that shirt is awful.  It makes you look 15 years older than you are.

Kelsey (28)













Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: Top 3 all-time favorite movies?
Good Will Hunting, What About Bob?, and Mean Girls. They're great to psychoanalyze.

First Impression: Sorry Kelsey, but I already picked my cute little brunette for this season.  I was loving your top 3 movies until you said they're great to psychoanalyze.  You were sooooo close Kelsey!  She might get intimidated by all the large breasts on the show and hopefully she's not too shy.  I'm kind of talking myself into Kelsey.

Kimberly (28)













Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: Top 3 all-time favorite movies?
Shawshank Redemption (I cry every time), Another Earth, and Stepmom.

First Impression: One of your top 3 all-time favorite movies stars Jayden Smith in the lead role?  You must be a crazy person.  Also, hello boobs.  These girls seems to have some stuff in common, no?

Mackenzie (21)













Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: If I never had to get shots, I would be very happy.

First Impression: She's really got that Felicity vibe going on.  If you never had to get shots, you would be very happy?  I swear, most of these girls sound like they're still in elementary school.

Megan (24)













Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: What's your worst date memory?
Last minute, a guy from my class asked me to be with him on New Year's in Memphis, TN. Well, my adventurous self went and got way too drunk. He watched me throw up in my purse! Haha, it was awful!

First Impression: Is it just me or does she look like she's wearing a one-piece bathing suit?  I do like the honesty in the questionnaire though.  In addition, boobs.

Michelle (25)













Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: If you really wanted to impress a man, what would you do?
Laugh at his jokes to make him feel funny, and ask him questions about himself to make him feel special and show I'm interested. I also make cakes for guys on special occasions.

First Impression: She seems incredibly fake.  She only laughs at a guy's jokes to make him feel funny and she only asks him questions to make him feel special?  What the fuck is that about?  How messed up does that sound?  It's like she's trying to play the part of 'interested girlfriend' when in fact, she couldn't give two shits.

Nicole (31)













Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: If you could be any animal, what would you be?
A wolf. They are magical and bad-ass creatures.

First Impression: She legit looks like she's having the worst time ever taking that photo.  Oh, and wolves aren't magical honey, that would be werewolves.

Nikki (26)













Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: Occupation: Former NFL Cheerleader


First Impression: Just being honest, but she looks high maintenance AND she was a cheerleader for the Jets.  Literally any other sports franchise would appeal to me more than the Jets.

Reegan (28)













Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: If you could be any animal, what would you be?
An eagle -- they mate for life, they fly and see the world above, they are strong and beautiful and represent the greatest country.

First Impression: Right away, she looks like an Ice Queen.  She would absolutely dominate a guy in the sack, guaranteed.  Odd name, Reegan.  I can't tell if I love it or hate it.  Also, 'Merica.

Samantha (27)













Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: Can't live without: My family, Kallie (my 3.5 pound Teacup Maltese), friends, lip gloss, chocolate

First Impression: A country girl who had been living in the city for the last 4 or 5 years.  Seems like a nice fit but she is into fashion design and has a Teacup Maltese, so I think the city life might suit her better.  What's her waist size in that picture, -10?

Tandra (30)













Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: What kinds of music do you listen to most often?
All kinds. I love blues, rock, pop, oldies, country and jazz! I even listen to some French rock. The song just has to build. I love moments in music -- it needs to have a climax!

First Impression: Likes all types of music and throws some sexual innuendo in there for good measure.  It doesn't hurt that she's drop dead gorgeous.  The only small bump in the road may be that she's 5'11''.  I have to see them stand next to each other.  But if that looks fine, then this is my 2nd pick to win.

Tara (26)













Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: Occupation: Sport Fishing Enthusiast

First Impression: Sorry Tara, but you're going to get smoked during the first pool party if you stay around that long.  Sad but true.  It seems like she's trying to hard to let you know she's a southern girl.  Her profile reads like a country song: Whiskey, Trucks, Fishing, etc.  What is a sport fishing enthusiast?  Does that just mean she's unemployed and likes to fish?

Tracy (29)













Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: What's your worst date memory?
At lunch I just threw my hair up real quick because it was hot or something and he said "keep your hair down." It was weird.

First Impression: What an odd answer for a worst date memory.  She is a little cutie though and a fourth grade teacher.  Good combo.

Trina (33)













Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: Biggest date fear: Eating something that gives me "di-di"

First Impression: See!  I wasn't kidding when I said these girls act like they're 10 years old.  Who calls diarrhea di-di?  I don't even know what to say to that one.  And she's freaking 33.  Btw, a lot of the girls have a fear of getting diarrhea on a date.  I keep singing that Kanye line with "Trina" in it from Gold Digger.  I have a feeling she's going to wear a ton of make-up.

Whitney (29)













Notable Answer to The Bachelor Questionnaire: Can't live without: My planner (totally old school), money, my job (have to pay the bills), razor (can't stand hair), friends and family

First Impression: They picked the most boring questions and answers from her questionnaire but she's pretty, so there's that.

See you tonight Chris Harrison, for a freaking 3 hour season premiere.  Man, it's so damn tedious to write these up when there's so many girls at the beginning.