Friday, January 16, 2015

The Bachelor Recap - Episode 2: Tractors & Zombies


So we're down to 22 errrrrr 23 girls now as Michelle decides to steal Chris for a few minutes after getting eliminated on night one and plead her way back into the competition.  Apparently Chris never even got to talk to her the whole night.  How is that even possible?  From the looks of it, it's like 8 in the morning, so they've been at the mansion for about 10 hours.  Seriously, look how tired the other girls are waiting for her to get done talking to Chris.


She didn't try to steal him away from another girl for at least a five minute conversation or anything...that kind of passiveness will not last in this game honey.

Its legitimately mid-day the next day.
Chris looks like he actually might be too nice of a guy and lets her re-enter anyway.  Of course the other girls immediately resent her (as normal girls do), so that must be nice to come back to.

First Group Date

The Bachelor dates usually start out with a one-on-one date to kick things off but I guess they opted for a group date this time instead...weird, but whatever.

We get our first look at some of these ladies in some bathing suits and I'm not complaining.  I'm actually surprised it took them this long to make them strip down.

And because there's always some inexplicable activity that at first thought sounds like fun, but then you see it and it looks like no fun at all, they walk down the street (in their bathing suits mind you) to go race some tractors on a blocked off L.A. street.

Step 1: Awkwardly walk down the street in bikini.


Step 2: "Race" tractors.  I use the term race veeerrryy loosely, since you could leisurely walk down the street faster than this things.


Step 3: Most likely contract gonorrhea.


Ashley I. (the Kardashian lookalike) wins the so-called race and gets some additional alone time with Chris.  They talk, they don't kiss, and when he gets back to the rest of the girls, he gives his vote to someone else to take on a dinner date.  So Ashley I. looks like she's one hell of a conversationalist.

The choice to continue the date goes to 21 year old mother, Mackenzie.  As a result, she gets a 1 on 1 dinner date with Chris.  I don't want to say anything bad about her but I do not find her attractive at all.  Maybe it's just my personal taste, but that's out there now, so do with it what you will.

Next Up, 1-On-1 with Mackenzie.

Here's a list of things she asked/talked about that, I don't know, I wouldn't normally do on a first date with someone: Ear-piercings, her attraction to big noses, aliens.

I don't think Chris has a big nose at all, so I don't get that one.

Instead of asking about his family or anything else, she asks about aliens...so there's that.

She talked about having a son but said it in a weird-ass way.  "Sooooo, I have a kid."  She's way to immature and awkward.  It makes me super uncomfortable.  She was worried to tell him about her kid because she didn't want him to think she was a "psychopath." I can't even begin to understand her train of thought with that one.

She gets a rose, basically because even if he was thinking about getting rid of her (which I would have), he couldn't really do it after she told him about her son because it would've seemed like that was the reason she didn't get a rose.

Did they kiss? Yes, but just pecks.

Meanwhile, back at the Mansion...

Two of the girls (I'm not looking up their names 'cause I don't care) break into Chris' house while he's on the group date, because that's totally normal and he'd definitely be cool with you looking through all his shit.  Don't get me wrong, I think it was GENIUS of the producers to move his house right down the driveway from the mansion, but I was thinking it was going to be for deceptive 1-on-1 time, not creepy stalker time.

The real winner (winner?) here was the editing room.  They kept censoring out the backside of one of the girls, even though the bathing suit didn't look like it was a thong but just one of those ones that ride up the butt.  Completely unnecessary censoring but it made the whole thing way funnier.



They also added ever elusive, frontal black out.  


What could the front of her suit possibly look like in order to call for that? Hilarious.

Next Up, Megan get a 1-On-1 date.

Even though Megan initially believes that the date card is just a love note to her...that got delivered to the house...and read in front of all the girls, she still gets to go on the date anyway.

Chris takes Megan and her giant boobies for a little helicopter ride (obviously, it is The Bachelor after all) and picnic set-up at the Grand Canyon.

She talks about her dad unexpectedly passing away (very sad) and they seem to get along really well and have a connection of some sort.  They both really seem to like smiling...like a lot.  So they have that in common.  She's also got some killer eyes.


Did they kiss? Make out central.
Rose? Yup, that too.

Next Up, Group Date to go Zombie hunting (what else?).

A flock of the girls take some limos down into the mountainous desert part of California.  What amazing date could Chris have in store this time?  Zombie hunting with some paintball guns.  At least I thought it was paintball guns but there seems to be no paint on anyone and no one really wearing any protective gear at all in case of some friendly fire (besides some glasses)...so who the fuck knows what they're actually shooting.

Britt does some making out with Chris after he gives her a Kiss Me note to show her he's think about her.  Cheesy?  Yes.  Did it work?  Absolutely.  

Kaitlyn seems to connect with Chris on a more buddy-buddy tomboy level, but I'm sure that's a welcome change of pace from all the emotions all the other girls are coming at him with.

Ashley S.  Oh, Ashley S.  When I was talking about crazy girls in episode one, it was mostly in jest.  But you my girl, are certifiable.  Just nuts and all over the place.  It's as if she's experiencing earth and human interaction for the first time.  Either she was frozen for like 50 years, just got thawed out, and is now curious and unaware of everything around her or she's missing a couple of pieces to the puzzle.  I'm guessing the latter.


At first glance, that picture of her looks normal.  It's not.  Her eyes and expression are always like that and it's fucking scaring me. 

Kaitlyn gets the Rose.  Britt feels confused but I think she understands that she can't get every single rose...even though most girls usually don't pick up on that nuance of The Bachelor during the show.  I still think Britt is the front-runner.

Next Up, Cocktail Hour.

I'll just focus on Ashley I. here.

She tells Mackenzie and Megan that she's a virgin.  And Mackenzie's response absolutely flabbergasts me.  Here are some quotes for you to wrap your head around:

"That's so cool."
"He will like it.  EVERY guy likes it."
"Guys like taking your virginity.  And Chris is going to be the kind."
"I'm jealous."
"It's going to make you stay here so much longer."
"I wish I was in your shoes so bad."
"He's going to be like, 'I wanna take her virginity.'"

That's seriously how girls think?  That's literally unbelievable to me.  I spit out the water I was drinking as she was talking.

Seriously, has she never seen Wedding Crashers?


And then in Wedding Crashers, when she confesses that she's not a virgin, far from it, and that she thought that's just what guys want to hear, THEN he finally likes her.  I hope that's what happens here, because otherwise it ain't gonna work out for Ashley I.

Side Note: There's no worse thing than an over-sexualized virgin who dresses like a slutty Princess Jasmine and aggressively makes out with you.



P.S. Your eyebrows are fucking hideous.

Next Up, Rose Ceremony.  

Here's who stayed and left and something we may have learned about them from this show so far.

Britt (27)


She seems to be deathly afraid of Zombies.  Still the front runner.

Jade (28)

In my research (yes, I do a little), it turns out Jade has posed nude for Playboy.  Just do a search for "Jade from the Bachelor Playboy" and you'll see a little more than you bargained for.

Kaitlyn (29)
Creeping her way up the ranks by receiving the rose from a group date.

Kelsey (28)
Still cute as hell but didn't get much time this show.

Ashley S. (24)


Un-Be-Lievable.  She got the last rose of the rose ceremony.  I've always had a sneaky feeling that the producers sometimes nudge the Bachelor to keep one for the girls solely for viewing entertainment purposes.  It's not as though he has a connection with 15 different girls so why not leave in a wild card to spice things up.

Jillian (25)
She's not very good at knowing when her own name is called.  Or walking.  Or wearing bathing suits that fit her.

Becca (25)


Seems sweet and looks more attractive every time I see her.

Megan (24)
Dad recently passed away.  Likes to smile.  Boobs.

Samantha (27)
Knew nothing.  Learned nothing.

Carly (29)


I think her forehead seems to be growing in this picture and trying to overtake her hair.

Juelia (30)
Has a kid and her husband/father of the kid killed himself a little over a year ago.  I don't think she's ready for a show like this.  That's just terrible.

Nikki (26)
I still don't know who you are.

Amber (29)


Ummmmmmmm hi Amber.

Ashley I. (26)

Congrats, I'm only going to identify you as a virgin now.

Mackenzie (21)
Immature with a kid and believes in aliens.

Trina (33)
Is this a producer or a contestant?  I've never seen you before.

Tracy (29)
Kelly Kapowski.  You still do it for me.

Whitney (29)
The more I see Whit, the more I like her.  She remembered his favorite kind of drink and had a little place set up for them during the cocktail hour.  The mini-set-up during the cocktail hour is always a great move.  It shows you're thoughtful, creative, caring, and really want to do something special for them.  Kudos.
Who Got The Boot?

Tara (26)
I would have rather kept fun Tara than crazy Ashley S.

Tandra (30)













I guess looks aren't everything.

Jordan (24)













She can still get sloppy drunk everyday when she gets home.  Oh, and she can work on her twerk game too.



Alissa (24)


As a stewardess, at least she'll get a discounted flight home. 

Kimberly (28)






Being rejected twice is a raw deal.  I can't believe he wasn't attracted to your graveling.

Next week, it looks like Jimmy Kimmel is doing something with the show so we'll see if that works or if it goes completely wrong.  I know it's fun to poke fun at the show (I certainly do it) but most of the people on here actually take it seriously so let's hope he doesn't make fun of them too much.  Ahh fuck it, make fun of everyone and everything.