Tuesday, January 6, 2015

The Bachelor Episdoe 1 Recap: First Impressions


No wonder the preview blog took me so damn long to write, there was 30 freaking girls on the premiere episode.  Speaking of long, three hours ABC?  Really??  You could have cut the first hour off immediately with the red carpet and interviewing those bunch of idiots.  Also, I don't care what the live audience thinks about anything.  Like, literally anything.  I don't even care if it's about the show or not.

Well, except that lady who said she went to high school with him.  Did you see all 6 of those women from his home town?  I don't want to say anything bad about them but they breed them big in Iowa and its like their version of The Stepford Wives out there as all of them looked exactly the same. And then she said he was a couple years ahead of her in school.  WHAT?!?  I thought she was at least 45 but if she's just a couple years younger than him, she's in her twenties.  Blown away. Anyway, enough about her.

There's a lot to get through and we'll get to all of the girls (don't you worry), but let's start off with Farmer Chris.  I actually kind of like him.  Of course, I say that about pretty much everybody in the first episode because that's when they get the least amount of screen time of the whole season because we have so many girls left to get to know about.  I'm sure some things will start to annoy me about him more and more as we go on, but as of right now, he seems to be a genuine dude, which you can't always say about The Bachelor.

The night started with 15 girls and just when they got comfortable, 15 more showed up.  The original 15 somehow thought they deserved to be there more, you know, cause bitches be crazy.  With this new twist the night took twice as long and they were probably filming this episode until like 5 in the morning.  The girls who didn't get a rose at the end of the night, basically had to do a walk of shame in a gown.  Just look how light it was outside during their exit interviews.


On to the girls!  Let's lump the girls into a few groups to make it a little easier to remember all these ladies.

Group 1: The Contenders

You can pretty much already set apart most of the girls based on their initial interaction with Chris, immediate chemistry (or lack thereof), and you would have a 90% chance of picking at least 5 of the final 7.  The only exception to this was Sean's season, but that's more the exception than the rule.

Or you can just watch the scenes from the upcoming season at the end of the episode and see who you see the most scenes with and if they're on an island or something.

Britt (27)











Britt got the first impression rose and rightfully so.  I thought they were actually going to go in for the kiss at the end of their very first conversation but Chris thought better of it considering there's usually someone watching during each conversation and it would've felt too fast, even though it actually felt and looked kind of natural.

She's sweet and genuine and I kind of love her so far.

Jade (28)













They let ole Jade her get the last limo entrance and there's one reason for it.  She is definitely the hottest one on this season.  It didn't jump out to me as much in the picture but Woozers she's a looker.

Kaitlyn (29)













Kaitlyn wasn't as cute as I thought she was going to be and her jokes seem to be uncomfortably vulgar.  Not in like a funny, dirty joke.  More in like a, I thought you were going to say something funny and not just curse at me for no reason kind-of-way.

But she doesn't seem like she could be a cool hang and she's probably super sexual, so that's a combination that will keep you around for a long time.  Chris seems to like her.

Kelsey (28)













Kelsey is cute as a freaking button.  She lost her husband about a year and a half ago which is sad as hell but as far the this show, she looks like she's going to be a normal and calming change of pace for Chris.  Every time the other girls get nutso, she's going to bring him back down to earth and be the one he seeks out...I think.  Maybe not.  Who the fuck cares.

Group 2: The Crazies

Ashley S. (24)











What kind of crazy? Bat Shit Crazy.

Also, she doesn't blink.  At all.  She either looks dead inside or she's looking into your soul.  Neither of those things are good.


Imagine talking to that.  Just constantly looking surprised like she just let a fart slip out or something.

Oh, and she said a bunch of weird shit about onions.


And she interrupted another girl talking to him like this...


"I want MY time. And I've been her longer than you...sooo."

Chicks man.

Jillian (25)













What kind of Crazy?  Physically Crazy.

I thought Jillian was going to be normal.  I was wrong.  All she talks about is working out and shit, it's weird.  I feel like she's going to beat someone up this season.  I genuinely feel that way.

She was like physically angry at the other 15 girls for even showing up and was going to block them from coming into the mansion.  Who thinks like that? And how would that work?  I bet when she gets booted from the show (and she will) that she's going to call Chris a pussy or something.  I can feel it in my bones.

Tara (26)












What kind of Crazy? Drunken Crazy.

She wasn't fucking around when she said she couldn't live without whiskey in her profile.

She actually looked kind of OK in her daisy dukes when she first arrived so it kind of sucks that she changed into a dress and did a re-introduction from the limo.  Stick with your instincts girl.

But that didn't stop her from getting absolutely SLAMMERED.


But Chris kept her anyway.  Probably because he had to talk to 30 different girls so he talked to her early in the night and they probably had a vibe going and then didn't talk to her for the next 6 hours or so, giving her enough time to get properly sloshed.  Shit, everyone drinks a little too much every once in a while so it's nice he let it slide.  Imagine trying to make small talk with 29 other girls who are going after the same guy you are too...for hours and hours, I'd be drinking up a storm too, just probably not Jamison on the rocks.
Group 3: The Eye Candy

We didn't get to know these girls too well yet but they look attractive, so they'll be able to slide by for a little bit.

Becca (25)












Megan (24)













Samantha (27)













Tandra (30)













Not too much to say about these girls yet except they're kinda hot and therefore have the potential to jump into The Contender group if they score a one-on-one date.

Group 4: Who?

I literally just watched the show and I don't remember who you are.  You're most likely gone next episode since I assume they give the most screen time to the girls who will stick around anyway.

Carly (29)

I think she brought the karaoke machine, maybe?

Jordan (24)













Nothing.  No recollection.

Juelia (30)












I remember your weird spelled name if that makes you feel any better.

Nikki (26)













Nope.  No impression.

Amber (29)


Yes, I know who you are Amber, but I'm sorry, you're going home very soon.  Not your fault but thems the breaks.


Group 5: The Friend-Zoners

These girls seem like they're more interested in having a good time and being friends with the other girls more than anything else.  Either that or they don't have that quality where they will ever feel comfortable or aggressive enough to compete with multiple other girls for a guy and then complain about how out of the comfort zone they are and how they never usually do stuff like this or some other kind of whiny bullshit.

Alissa (24)


Most awkward intro ever with the corny airline jokes where she kept looking at the camera.  You know that segment probably took 4 hours to shoot for 30 seconds of material and the guy who had to direct it absolutely hates her for it.

Ashley I. (26)




Cute but seems to concerned about what other girls are doing rather than what she could be doing.

Mackenzie (21)










She has a really cute kid.  Heck, the kid is better looking then she is, but there is no way she's mature enough for Chris and a 21 year old mother probably isn't what he's looking for, just saying.

Trina (33)











She'll become best friends with Ashley I. above and they'll have fun hanging out together for a couple weeks.  Yay Friends!

Group 6: The Wild Cards

Kimberly (28)







She was the cliffhanger at the end of the first episode.  She didn't get a rose but during her exit interview she decided to go in and grab Chris for a conversation.  I don't think Chris will keep her around even when she eventually breaks down in front of him (cause you know guys find that totally attractive).  But, you never know.  That might be why she wasn't in scenes for the upcoming season.  That, or they didn't want to give away the cliffhanger.

Tracy (29)













To be honest, I don't remember her, but the picture she has makes her look like Kelly Kapowski.  And Chris is right in that age-range where his first crush was most likely Kelly Kapowski.  Don't ever underestimate the power of Kelly Kapowski.  Kelly Kapowski.

Whitney (29)













At first I thought her voice was going to be way too annoying to handle but then it started to sound more and more southern and did a 180 on her.  She's sweet, attractive, and has a good job.  Not bad.

Got The Boot

Amanda (24)


Reason: Girl, you got crazy eyes!


And she lives at home.  Smart idea having your first impression out of the limo be one where he doesn't see you so that you are the only one who doesn't make an actual first impression.  How'd that work out for ya?

Bo (25)













Reason: They must have done some photoshopping in this photo because when she said she was a plus-sized model, she meant, in capitals, PLUS-sized model.

Brittany (26)













Reason: The picture above was a lot more flattering than her outfit in person.  It looked like a little kid tried to cut a wedding dress out of construction paper.  And not only that, she had some pieces wrapped around her wrists like it was her wrestling outfit or something.


Kara (25)













Reason: Maybe if she sent her kid, who's probably the one in the family who is actually 25 years old, rather than herself, then she would've had a chance.  Get it, cause she looks old.

Michelle (25)













Reason: Not sure here, she was actually really attractive.  Didn't get much screen time though so maybe she had nothing to say.

Nicole (31)













Reason: From the looks of it, she was super uncomfortable.


Reegan (28)













Reason: He didn't want to get his head ripped off after sex.  Also, I'm not sure if she knows how jokes work.


My two picks to win for the season are Britt and Jade, if you want to throw them back in my face later on when they don't win.