Friday, August 30, 2013

Best and Worst Team Names In The NFL

With the NFL season just around the corner and Grantland doing a feature on the worst NBA team names, I figured it made way more sense to go with the worst 5 and best 5 NFL team names.

First, a side note to get this out of the way.  I did zero research on the actual history of these team names ...and I mean NO research, so if I don't know the origin and that's part of the reason I hate the team name, so be it.  So here goes nothing.

Worst 5

5. Green Bay Packers

What the shit is a packer?  I guess it's because all these fat asses can pack as much food into their systems as humanly possible.  Plus, you have the obvious fudge packer joke for a comeback from everyone.  But because they're one of the original teams, I'll only put them at 5.

4. Jacksonville Jaguars

Usually I'm all about the alliteration in names.  J-J is pretty good and they usually roll of the tongue pretty easily.  The fact of the matter is, this might just be because they are a terrible fucking excuse for a football team and their logo is weak as shit.  If Blaine Gabbert is on your team, you make the list.  Fact.

3. Buffalo Bills 

Another alliterative name but it doesn't make any sense.  Your city is Buffalo and your logo is a buffalo but you're the Bills.  So you're named after Buffalo Bill?  I couldn't tell you what the hell Buffalo Bill is famous for other than being a cowboy...maybe.  And you always have the put the lotion in the basket jokes that are just too easy.

2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

A flaming pirate.  End of reason.

P.S. Those cream jerseys are straight fire though.

1. Cleveland Browns

Browns.  You're named after a color.  And it's the color of shit.  How fitting.  Man, Cleveland sucks at everything huh?

Maybe everyone was expecting me to include the Washington Redskins in here since everyone is boycotting the racist name, but either way, it's still a pretty cool name and better than the bunch of crap I listed.  I mean, Syracuse Orangemen and St. John's Red Men were way better than just Orange and Red Storm AmIRight?

Best 5

5. San Francisco 49ers

A cool play of the '49 gold rush, plus the red and gold colors are pretty legit.

4. Seattle Seahawks

Now the alliteration starts to click.  Do I have any idea what a seahawk is?  Not really, sounds like an angry fucking seagull.  I thought all seagulls were just angry food grubbers anyway, so I don't know if I even need to specify angry for seahawk.  Seahawk just sounds cool though.

3. New England Patriots

I had to go with the old logo which is bad ass.  I will support any patriotic name (Americans/Nationals/etc.), so Patriots definitely fits the bill.  Plus the fact that I like the regional team name or the team name that's not a specific city (i.e. Golden State Warriors).  I think more teams should do that.  Maybe it should be the Rip City Trail Blazers or the Hollywood Clippers or something.  Just a thought.

2. Baltimore Ravens

One team in which I actually know something about where the name came from.  It's a sneaky little nod to Edgar Allen Poe which makes me appreciate the cleverness of it while at the same time, fits with the bird theme that the NFL apparently is obsessed with (Falcons, Seahawks, Eagles, Cardinals).

1. Pittsburgh Steelers

Blue collar name for a blue collar town.  It fit the personality of both the team and the city perfectly.  Even the colors are fucking mean looking.  The best part is, I would never call someone who worked with steel, a steeler.  I would call them a steel worker or blacksmith or something.

Honorable Mention: The Oakland Raiders.

You don't know who my favorite team is...but just so you know, I didn't include them in either the best or worst list.